Zopog Megaworks

Those of us who’ve spent altogether too much time pawing through bargain bins of old VHS tapes and DVDs know all too well the pitfalls of multiple titles and erroneously sourced reviews. Did you, dear reader, accidentally buy, in yellowing covers, Vampire Men of the Lost Planet and Horror of the Blood Monsters only to discover they’re the same film? (I use the term ‘film’ liberally). In the glory days of VHS — pre-internet, pre imdb.com — did you have a devil of a time picking your Devil’s Wedding Nights from your Devil’s Nightmares from your Devil Walks at Midnights? (The second two are the same film).

By the mid-90s there seemed to be a drive to apply a few vaguely legitimate-looking reviewer quotes to the boxes to add a slight hint of respectability and thereby stand out from the too-deep schlock stream. Scam film festivals like New York Independent International still slap z-grade junk with quotes like “The most terrifying film since Psycho” and “Out-Halloweens Halloween” (yes, I did make those up, but you get the idea). Oddly the review-fabricators never seem inclined to say something remotely realistic that a customer might actually believe - “An above-average low-budget horror,” for example, or “An interesting twist on the genre.” No, the fakers always reference some absolute horror classic in the hopes that the brain-dead rube consumers will actually take Angel Blade or Freak! to be an undiscovered horror gem. Why such reviews are so unrealistic I don’t know - personally whenever I’ve written fake reviews of my own material I’ve tried to make it as believable as possible - but my guess would be that the people writing them aren’t very smart.

I’ve become indirectly guilty of both these crimes, having my own high school backyard horror Flesh Freaks retitled Zombie of the Dead (Bought it twice? Sorry, suckers!) and now, dubious reviews of Kill Them and Eat Them - another bloody opus I made with a video camera during the summer of my first year at college. The movie has received exactly two (2) good reviews that I know of, and a website called The Vampire’s Tomb (not gonna link there) includes both in oddly misquoted versions:

Real Review #1:

“With deadpan black humour and cheesey special effects, Pendergast has come up with a film that subverts just about everything traditional cinephiles hold dear … an experience not to be missed.” - Chris Kaltenbach, The Baltimore Sun

The Phoney Baloney Internet version:

“With deadpan black mood and cheesey special effects, Pendergast has come up with a film that weakens just about everything conventional cinephiles hold dear… an experience not to be lost.” - Chris Kaltenbach, The Baltimore Sun

Real Review #2:

“’KT&ET’ is a pretty unique looking film. Utilizing LOTS of ultra-close-ups and SWIRLY cameras, it keeps a manic, cartoonish pace throughout its running time, and scenes are sutured together with brief animation bits. Side-stepping the usual headbanger clang, Pendergast also shows off a tasteful ear for soundtrack music, and occasionally, it works brilliantly . . . If yer a backwoods splatter fan, check it out. It’s funny and sick, just the way you like it.” - Sleazegrinder.com

The Phoney Baloney Internet version:

“‘KT&ET’ is a beautiful unique looking film. Utilizing LOTS of ultra-close-ups and SWIRLY cameras, it keeps a manic, cartoonish rate throughout its run time, and scenes are sutured together with little animation bits. Side-stepping the regular headbanger crash, Pendergast also shows off a tasteful ear for soundtrack music… If yer a hinterlands sputter fan, tab it out. It is funny and upset, just the way you like it.” - Sleazegrinder.com

Have these just been nonsensically transcribed, or have they been deliberately changed by a dyslexic or someone who’s not very smart? If it’s the latter case, who thought of describing the movie KILL THEM AND EAT THEM as “beautiful”? What about the change from “pace” to “rate”??? I can understand throwing believability out the window, but do we have to beat it mercilessly with its own tongue first? Either way it’s a bit of a disappointment - where’s my “Kill Them and Eat Them makes The Bride of Frankenstein look like a big pile of monkey dung” review?

These reviews, such as they are, seemed to anger a fan who’d bought the movies based on the reviews - but hey, they’re pretty much real, so don’t blame me (and note that the movie comes in a six-movie pack called Depraved Degenerates):

“I read the good reviews so I purchased the video. At $6, an average of $1 should be a good deal but it is not. Buy if you find for $1.25 or lower. I suggest not buying anything from Pendulum. ” - Some Guy

Listen, dude, I haven’t received a cent from these people, so I’m indifferent to your loss of six bucks, but on the other hand I’m happy I took away 80 minutes of your life you’ll never get back. Now if I could only figure out a way for me to get those 80 minutes …

“My husband and I love “b-horrors” but these collections are the worst of the worst. It looks like a junior-high film project at best and is literally shot in someone’s basement. ” - Some soccer mom

Hey there, lady - it’s not just someone’s basement, it’s my parents’ old basement. Get your facts straight, woman! Making that one minor error means you’ve just shot all your credibility straight to hell - just ask Dan Rather!

In my defense, you people actually paid good money for this:

So how is any of this really my fault? That cover just screams “stock studio photo that has nothing to do with any of the movies, which themselves are probably not particularly good”!

I found while nosing around on the internet looking at these reviews that KTAET is apparently coming out on its own single DVD on October 2. This is how I find out about these things! Suddenly I have more sympathy for those old VHS hucksters with their multiple titles and dubious reviews - well, no I still have zero sympathy, in fact, I have less than that, since now it’s my movie that’s getting the ol’schlockmeister sheister shebango. It’s only got the one title as of now, but we can only wait.